I almost died today.
I’m quite serious, I had an almost adjacent to death situation. Here’s how it went.
And let this be a warning to people about the dangers of being a writer.
So I went on my lunch break today at a perfectly reasonable 15:10 (I’m a busy man with no time to faff around with AM and PM) in case you’re wondering, which I know you’re not, I go to lunch rather late because I like to get as much as of the never ending constantly growing pile of things to do in my day completed before taking a break so coming back from lunch doesn’t seem like a soul crushingly daunting reality. This is a system that’s yet to work.
Anyway, I spent my lunch sitting in my car with all the windows down because A: I wanted to be as far away from people as possible so I could work on a story and B: it was hot as balls in that car.
I had my note book, my water bottle and my phone and opted to go with typing over handwriting as I didn’t have anywhere to lean the book.
So there I sat, happily tapping away when I noticed movement to my left hand side. A sort of legless hovering movement. At first I thought it a figment of my imagination. What could honestly be that size and hover? I diverted my attention from the task at hand to inspect the offending… offender.
Now I’m not saying it was the biggest bee in the history of forever, but if it was in fact NOT a bee, then it was very likely a small to medium sized dog with wings and a two pronged pitchfork sticking out of its butt.
This thing was Jurassic in scale, I would wager that it was Jurassic in origin too no doubt. Visions of a mighty grey furred winged doom stinger filled my mind as dozens of them assaulted the vast planes of a prehistoric earth, hunting in packs and taking down diplodocus’ and T-Rexs’ with startling efficiency.
Making a hive decision at the extinction even to cocoon their mightiest warrior in hardened honey so that he alone could live on through the ages and bring about the reincarnation of their once mighty empire by overthrowing the dominant species of the planet in the far future.
A creature that had only recently been released from it’s calcified tomb by a wayward strike of lighting dealt from the storm gods themselves.
Naturally I blanched and shuffled back to the centre console of the car, too terrified to move, hoping they as a species had consumed enough Tyrannosaurus DNA to take on their characteristic motion blindness.
It hovered menacingly. I whimpered.
Then, slowly, like a glacial shift, it made its way forward, INTO my car!
I screamed like a man. Too scared to take my eyes off it but wanting to grab my note book to swipe at it and die with dignity, go down fighting like a proud Viking warrior.
It hovered in more. I frantically shouted thusly, “FUCKOFFFUCKOFFFUCKOFFFUCKOFF.”
Then I did what any man in my situation would have done. I shoved hard into it with the side of my water bottle.
Stunned, the beast lazily rolled backwards. Impacting the car next to me with enough force to dent the panel work and setting off the alarm.
I sat, staring for a time, looking in my rear view mirror to see if it was coming back for another round.
Slowly, tentatively, I leaned forward and looked down at the ground. Nothing. Quickly I looked up to make sure it wasn’t about to pull some ‘Death from above’ shit. Clear skies.
I sat back and relaxed slightly. The crisis averted, my life no longer at risk. I had duelled with death and won to fight another day.
I sighed with relief.
Then a fly buzzed through my car and I squealed like a bitch.