I was having a talk to a friend earlier today.
Shut up, I have friends.
Fine. I was having a talk to a workmate today and he asked me if he had told me his cool story yet.
Naturally I responded as I usually do, with a quizzical stare that wordlessly projects the question of ‘Who the fuck are you and why are you talking to me?’
Nonplussed he ploughed on, which is good because it was a funny story.
“I was at a mates place one day. We were really high and playing PlayStation and I was eating M&M’s but I was sitting them on the couch next to me. He has a dog and it came into the room and got up on the couch so I let it sit next to me and patted it a bit while we were playing. Then I got up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Anyway when I got back I sat back down and kept playing. There was this brown stain next to me and I was all like ‘mmm, chocolate’ so I scooped it up and stuck it in my mouth. Turns out it was dog shit which I probably should have known but, you know, high. Also I kind of smelt it right before it went in my mouth but I kept going. After that I brushed my teeth for 20mins straight then threw out the toothbrush.”
I feel like you may be disappointed because you saw the punchline coming with that one but if you thought that was it, you’re wrong.
He then goes on to tell me that he was talking to another workmate earlier in the day who told him this exact same story. He quizzed the workmate as to where he had heard this tale and was told that ‘It happened to a friend of mine. Well, a friend of a friend.’ (Remember that show when you were a kid?)
It was at that point, standing in stunned silence at hearing his own story told back to him, that my workmate realised he had gone real world viral. (Analogue viral?)
Which is a pity when you think about it because we’ve not yet all been absorbed into a hive mind where we can ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ things cerebrally so he doesn’t get the heroin like ego boosting hit of all that digital attention.
Instead he must attempt to bleed satisfaction from knowing that he is, in a roundabout way, anonymously famous.