Feeding the (tiny) beast.

I don’t usually make a habit of doing blog posts of a Monday because of a Monday, I look after my infant spawn solo for the better part of the day.
Is this because I’m a caring and doting father and don’t want to miss a single magical moment of her development?
Is this because I feel the worrisome need to monitor her every single move because I’m the type to wrap my kid in cotton and pray to every available deity to keep them safe from the terrifying harms of everyday life?

Given that she’s currently in the other room unmonitored with my rusty hammer and nail collection I’d say no to both.
I’m kidding. She’s asleep at the moment. But honestly she’s been around for nine months she can handle and entertain herself for the most part I don’t see why she needs me for every little thing.

The reason I try not to do blog posts of a Monday is because, as I alluded to a post ago, rage or anger seems to help bring forth ideas. And if you’ve ever tried to feed an infant you’ll know that I’ve got a lot of idea stored up. But then all I’d be doing is banging on about kids and who could honestly make an entire blog about parenting?
What’s that? There’s over a hundred thousand blogs on the subject already?
You’re shitting me!

Well fuck it lets get on that band wagon!

A step by step guide to feeding your infant child breakfast.
Todays breakfast is concentrated yeast extract on grilled bread. (Vegemite on toast)

1. Grill your bread using the flamethrower attached to the electric guitar you used to play before having a child forced you to calm down and grow elbow patches on your jacket. Or a bread griller, whatever’s handy.

2. Apply the maximum safe quantity of concentrated yeast extract as outlined by ‘The Board of Aussie Health and Safety Mate’ to the grilled bread relative to your spawns age. Mine is at 9 months so that’s upturning the jar and shaking it over the grilled bread three and a half times.

3. Locate your spawn so they may be placed in their high chair. If they are yet to reach crawling this should be easy. If they ARE crawling, and are out of view (which, let’s face it, they will be if they’re crawling) then try looking for them in common infant hiding places such as under chairs and tables, just around corners making soft choking sounds, entangled in various ropes and electrical cords, directly in front of any un-occupied power outlets, sitting precariously next to an abandoned quarry or inside a nuclear reactor during a meltdown.

4. Place your spawn into the high chair. Dependent on the model this may be as easy as lowering a tray or as difficult as putting a freshly drenched cat into cat sized unitard. Just know that as soon as you have them into the chair, they’ll likely look at your flustered face with the expression of ‘What are YOU all worked up about?’

5. This step is variable depending on feeding style.
a) If you like to hand feed them their grilled bread then be prepared to duck and weave it past their gripping snatching digits like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix.
b) If you let them feed themselves then sit back and stare in gobsmacked wonder as they grab the bread by the very tip of the slice and attempt to eat the 3mm of food left exposed atop their tightly clenched little fist. Then after several attempts bring in hand no2 to lend assistance and double fist the entire quarter of a slide into their mouth and initiate choking procedures.
c) If you like to use a spoon then your breads too wet or you’re not feeding them bread. Return to step 1 and try again.
d) If you feed them grilled bread with a knife and fork you should probably up your meds.

6. If you read textbooks on how to rear your youngling you’ll no doubt come across a section about ‘cues’ in regards to feeding. Mostly they’ll give you a list of cues that lets you know when your child is done eating. If your child is a textbook child then congratulations on owning a robot. If your child is a human you will begin to see these cues exactly two mouthfuls into a meal. In my case, this is a good indicator that I’ve clearly put too much concentrated yeast extract onto the grilled bread and my child thinks I’m trying to poison them.
This is evident by a chewing style that consists of taking a mouthful, pulling a weird face and then chewing with a wide open mouth till the offending article of food has fallen to the floor.

7. Try and lick some of the yeast extract off the bread and repeat step 5.

8. Fuck it your having yoghurt for breakfast, gimme that bread you little adorable one that I love so very very much.

9. Eat any and all of the grilled bread that isn’t covered with at least a metric cup of baby slobber. (This is usually ½ of a ¼ of a slice.)

10. Mix yoghurt up with some mashed banana grumbling to yourself the whole time about how gosh darn picky your little bundle of joy is.

11. Look up from your rage attack to see your child waving a quarter of a piece of grilled bread at you while giggling and smiling. Stare on in shock as they proceed to eat the entire piece without a hint of protest.

12. Later on, cry in front of a mirror when they’re asleep while you tell yourself that you’re doing a good job.

Extra bonus info:
I’m not certain about yours but my spawn is learning how to wave.
Her capacity to wave is directly related to the size and consistency of the object held in her hand at the current time multiplied by the availability of a solid surface to hit the object against.
For example, we tried to wave to mummy this morning before she left for work. No dice.
But at lunch, she decided to wave to me while I was 1ft away and not moving with all the enthusiasm of a turbo charged jackhammer because she had a rather impressively sized piece of quiche in her hand.
I still find bits of it on the roof when I throw my head back and pull at my hair screaming internally ‘WHY WONT YOU JUST EAT YOUR FOOD!’

I hope this has been helpful or at the very least legible.

– Jacob

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