Nana-nana-nana-nana BATBRIDGE!


Today I come to you from sunny…
From overcast Sidmouth.

A beautiful little chunk of land which, much like most of the West Tamar municipality, is bordered on at least one side by the Tamar River. Tasmania’s answer to the Ganges only with 10% fewer corpses within its depths.
You think I kid but I once wrote a mafia themed short story based in Launceston where they stashed the bodies of their enemies in the Tamar. I didn’t get a chance to submit it as it was seized as evidence. This was after I was threatened with a copyright lawsuit from the local paper as my story was almost an exact word for word retell of a breaking news article regarding the local mob.
(The above is a mild fabrication but there have been one or two bodies found in there.)

You can see the Tamar River just across the road from the house where I’m staying. Again, nothing special if you live here but a novelty for visitors. The portion of the river I’m currently overlooking is known as ‘Devils Elbow’ which is just down from ‘Whirlpool Reach.’ And while there ARE boats in the water, I can’t help thinking that they’re either abandoned/haunted ghost vessels, or they arrived there, still intact by some lucky accident, and now their owners are too frightened to attempt to navigate them back upriver through such ominously named waters.

But the real kicker to this area is the local bridge that crosses the aforementioned death river.

The Batman Bridge.

Damn right, the Batman Bridge. A bridge so famous, that at the second last local Exeter show, they hired a chap called ‘The Lego Guy’ (Possibly The Lego Man) to build a scale model of the bridge as one of the draw cards.

As a kid I was told by parents, teachers, the museum and homeless people that were history buffs that the Batman Bridge was famous and important.
If only I had learned that lesson in lowering expectations earlier, I wouldn’t have been so powerfully crushed when I got to the bridge and found out that it was just a fucking cable bridge.
Given, it was the first cable bridge in Australia, and one of the first in the world. And I believe that the only other one of a similar design resides in South Africa; but its still not a big black Bat Bridge with a Bat-signal at the top and a helipad for the Bat-plane to land with a Bat-ladder down to the Bat-bike.

It’s just a big white bride named after some asshole. The giveaway should have been that it connected to the Batman highway. And also the fact that people kept pronouncing Batman as Bat-mn (the A was silent?) but I was DESPERATE to believe!

Looking into it further as an adult the pronunciation seems relevant as this Batman asshole also apparently discovered Melbourne and if you ever hear an Australian pronounce Melbourne you’ll find the O, U, R and E to be silent.
Pronounced Melbn. Sometimes Malbn.
So it’s little wonder that his own name was pronounced Batmn.

Also I found, disappointingly, that he originally intended Melbourne to be call ‘Batmania.’
Which, despite the man, sounds far more awesome than Melbn and really rolls off the tongue.

But the dude was an asshole because he killed a lot, and I mean A LOT of native Tasmanian aboriginals when he came to Tasmania. Going so far as to ship over Aboriginals from NSW and forcing them to act as trackers to form hunting parties. This goes partway into explaining why the bridge is white.
He later died from Syphilis. Which goes partway into explaining why the bottom of the bridge is green.
He didn’t really get all that was was coming to him, but its a pretty gosh darn horrible and embarrassing way to go none the less.

Speaking of embarrassing ways to go, I got bored the other day and went for a wander over to Satans lake to throw rocks and break driftwood.
There I found the tide to be out and a bunch of oysters clamped to rocks so I decided to smash them with rocks because I’m just a huge destructive hairy child.
In doing so, I smashed my thumb betwixt a rock and an oyster and cut it pretty deep.
The wife says that there’s a good chance I could contract Vibrio vulnificus in the wound which she explained can cause necrotizing fasciitis which she also explained can lead to septic shock which she ALSO explained can kill you.

So all in all a pretty decent excursion.

My thumb hurts and it’s hard to hit the space key.

How’s that view though?
It’s slightly less good now because a bee just tried to kill me. I’m going inside now

– Jacob

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