Like the Pharaohs of old.


Look at that.
Isn’t that some tasty looking shit right there?
That right there is a big mob of eggs, some home-made sauerkraut and some home-made kombucha. That is my breakfast most morning.

The small pink cup to the side is my darling spawns breakfast, which is a weet-bix in some form of bovine lactate or maybe even the mind bending mix of coconut/almond milk which I’m going to have a bloody hard time explaining to her when she gets old enough to question the biological process of milk production in living breathing creatures.
‘Father, where does the almond and the coconut secrete its milk from? I see no mammary tissue present in either of these non-sentient furry brown nuts.’
To which I shall reply.
‘There is more than one way to milk a nut my dear.’ At which point I will likely rupture a lung and suffer a mini heart attack as I attempt to stop the uproarious internal laughter from exploding forth, shattering the windows and bursting her eardrums because I just managed to drop not only a dad joke but a dirty one that’ll go over her head and cause her mother to look at me in shock and disgust. Which will result in the Wif having to explain why it was so funny to me while the two are at my bedside in the hospital. I will be in an induced coma attempting to heal my lung tissue from the aforementioned contained laughter.

But back to more pressing issues.

That breakfast is tasty as all get-out and with those two home-made heapings of (lets face it) hippie hogwash, I’m getting a whole butt ton of good bacteria into my gut to help me process the stupid quantities of meat I eat and also help my otherwise faulty/less than average GI tract to process a range of foods that would be considered ‘Normal’.

On top of those two I also take one or two other food stuffs readily available on the cheap from any decent local health food shop.

I’m not here to plug anything, I’m not about to give you advice on being healthy and I certainly am not planning to convert you to my way of thinking. Do what you want. I don’t give a shit.

Unless what you WANT to do, is lure people who are desperate to be healthy, into the lower portion of a farcical health and lifestyle altering pyramid scheme whereby they alienate all their friends and family in the pursuit of ludicrous lashing of residual income by selling cheap, readily available health food ingredients, mixed together with a shit ton of sugar and artificial garbage, slapped into a fancy pack and sold for close to your monthly mortgage repayments because
‘Trust me, the good stuff costs more but it works best.’

If that’s your idea of a good time then what I’ll do is my passive aggressive duty. I’ll make fun of you on social media with the following caption accompanying the above picture.

Breakfast featuring Kale, Sauerkraut and Kombucha.
If ‘toxins’ weren’t just some made up marketing bogeyman propagated by the pharaohs of the Isa-Pyramids and designed to hoodwink you into dropping thousands on sugar filled, in-house tested, pyramid schemey Isa-Bullshit I can guarantee you they’d soon be violently evacuating my body with the speed, ferocity and efficiency of a thousand starving Usain Bolts forcing their way through a herd of overweight americans to the front of the McDonalds line for a 24 piece McNugget bucket after a few tightly packed cones of Jamaican Olympic team grade ‘appetite enhancer’.
But as it stands I guess I’ll just have to live with the benefits of healthy gut flora.

Then I posted it to intagram with enough hashtags to make a fitspo/ass/tit implant model go ‘Whoa there, maybe one or two less.’ All related to Isa-Pyramids and their Isa-Pharoahs.

The long and the short of it is, after posting that, followed by the hashtags, followed by a second picture making fun of two idiots who peddle that snake oil with the same hashtags alluded to earlier, I suddenly gained about a dozen new followers.
ALL of them ‘Entrepreneurs’ who can help me make millions from selling sugar filled diuretic shakes.

Now I’m not looking to start a war against the new wave of Isa-Egyptians with their pyramids that make you as many millions in dollars as they do Instagram followers. I’m just bringing this shit to the people to show you all something.

There are retards are out there, selling this shit to you under the guise of being ‘qualified’ holistic health and nutritional experts, and getting fired up when you say that it doesn’t work by telling you that.
‘Clearly you don’t understand the science and if you did a little research it’d all make sense to you.’

These same experts can’t take a moment to open a picture on Instagram and see that they’re being made to look like a pack of idiots.
These same experts can’t do the research into another persons Instagram account to see that they have not ever once mentioned Isa-Lies outside of calling them twats.
These same experts are now following someone who, when bored, will likely do far worse things than this like uploading a close up of a butthole and writing about the awesome new chocolate kisses they baked using Isa-Lean protein then hashtag #isagenix and they’ll still give that shit a big ole’ thumbs up because ‘Breaking the mould’ and ‘Forging your own path’ into a ‘Life of possibilities and new growth’ doesn’t exclude you from being a regular little sheep who would do anything to get an extra buck and prove to themselves that they’re not wasting their or anybody elses time on this earth by doing presentations at a fucking dinner party on how good a scoop of Vital greens mixed with 20g of sugar and some diuretics is.

I may have lost track
I posted a picture of food on Instagram and it got a lot of likes.

Want to know my secret to more Instagram likes and more followers?
Hashtag Isagenix, those sheep will follow you off the edge of a cliff.

I’m not angry.
I may be up for a lawsuit though.

– Jacob

2 thoughts on “Like the Pharaohs of old.

  1. Good to know that little bastards like you who have been terrorised by big bastards like me go on to grow up and terrorise others with poetry and prose. I’ve been quite amused reading your review of my visit all those years back.
    Well done, young man. Good thing that you shut up and listened to me when I was ranting and raving.
    Maybe you tuned in even more than you realised at the time.
    I am, of course, the Semaphore psycho. And proud of it. And I’m still touring Tassie schools annually. Keep writing champ.
    Best regards,

    • Well f**k me.
      I honestly didn’t write this expecting it to reach you let alone have you reply.
      And I certainly didn’t expect my amateurish key smashing to amuse a man who’s been around words longer than I’ve been around oxygen.
      I can’t express a deep enough gratitude that you took the time to read anything I’ve written let alone take the time to reply.
      I’m yet to get around to reading more of your poetry but I have to say, writing the post sparked my interest and I’ve been doing more of it myself.
      Thanks for the interest, thanks for wearing the moniker I placed upon you all those years ago with pride, and thanks for saying that I’m terrorising others with poetry and prose.
      Proud to be doing it.

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