I’ve just switched off auto updates for my laptop because I live in fear of walking into the room one day to see it in some sort of quasi-chrysalis phase. Pulsing with an internal glow and letting out a dull throbbing sound. And no matter how hard I hit it with a sledge hammer of scream at it to give me back all my word documents, it stays in a strange form of stasis for several days until it bursts free one morning and reveals not a beautiful butterfly, but a screaming franken-monster-esq bat/dugong/video camera hybrid with a ‘Windows 10’ logo branded to its hairless chest.
Screeching and screaming at me to relinquish all of my private information as its wings beat in seemingly slow motion. Defying gravity as it moves like a pc that’s had all of its RAM diverted to the internal camera and to spying on your gmail account and every keystroke.
And there I’ll be, on my knees, screaming ‘WHY’ to an unhearing god before having to resort to eradicating the monstrosity before me with a cigarette lighter and a can of hair spray.
Which is probably an unreasonable reaction given that I honestly don’t know that much about windows 10 but fuck it, I use windows over Apple because those D-Bags just throw U2 onto your device without any warning!
Honestly?! Who does that?!
If you walk into a room, and it’s your turn to pick music, you sure as shit have to ask if everyone’s alright with listening to those potato munching holier than thou activists cum gifts from god so why should making it apparate onto your device be any different?
I kind of have a hate-hate relationship with this software update that I know nothing about simply because I know that when a program is harvesting your data, it makes everything else run slow as fuckery.
I don’t care about my data that much, I probably should but I know that I am NOT that interesting. There is very little going on in and around me that could possibly be of interest to anybody so it frustrates me when they waste time on me when they could be out finding those people who act like gorilla experts or bid on ebay items several seconds before the auction finishes.
Also because when I open my laptop to write something, I want to be able to write it as soon as possible and get it done.
I’m currently sitting here in the absolute dark because my computer desk sits adjacent to my spawns bedroom and any source of light outside of a laptop screen will wake her up.
Yes that’s correct, my child sleep pattern can be disturbed by light that apparently penetrates two solid brick walls and a fucking door.
It’s like she can hear light.
When I say she’s special I mean it.
But the windows 10 thing has been at the forefront of my mind as of late because I’m looking to invest in a Surface for writing purposes.
I have a laptop with windows 8.1, I have a phone with windows 8.1, it seems logical that I get a surface with 8.1 and sync them all up into a harmonious choir of word processing orgasmic bliss. Spooging letters and sentences all over the devices and the room at large in an alphabetically depraved orgy till I’m left gasping and dehydrated watching them share the text between them and clean each other with their screens.
But fuck me with a gnarled wizarding staff if I can find a surface that isn’t windows 10.
It’s shitting me to tears to the point that I may just get a Samsung Galaxy tab with the new office suite on it and be done with it.
But then I’ll likely get stopped in the street by Apple bullies and stabbed in a pristine white alleyway by tight legged baggy crotch pants, scarfs on in the summer, thick rimmed glasses when they’ve got 20/20 vision wearing hipsters. Obviously using a locally sourced hand made shiv with a small Apple engraved on it that syncs with their phone.
I may not actually NEED a tablet, but I kinda want one because I feel it’ll help me get more writing done because I can then do it wherever I like. You know, like with a pen and a notebook.
Because I’m not getting much done these days.
Just give me a few weeks though.
Then it’ll actually hit me that I’m not writing because I only have the chance to do it at night, burning my retinas through to the back of my skull in the pitch dark so my kid doesn’t get disturbed.
Because all the spare time I have in my life is devoted entirely to moving house and state at the moment.
Mark my words, I’ll buy this tablet, use it several times, then it’ll just turn into a bigger screen to use for watching porn when I take a dump.
I hope you enjoyed this blog update as much as I enjoyed pooping it out of my brain.