It’s day four under my care and I am proud to say, my child is still alive.
I think I can hear nuns singing hallelujah. That’s probably the sleep deprivation though.
I can also hear Simon from the Wiggles singing ‘We’re in the Wiggle House’ opera style on loop.
Day two went off without a hitch, you can tell because I didn’t write a blog post complaining about it all. But day 3. Well…
I figured seeing as you lot seemed to enjoy my misfortune that much last time I’d give you another helping. This time it revolves around my inability to be an adult. To a degree. And our hunt for the promised land.
And because I’m lazy as fuck, it’s in bullet point format again.
•5am start. Honestly calling this out of the ordinary at this point is a misnomer. The wif and I have a kind of sprinting death-match of a morning with the unwritten rule that the first one to reach the coffee machine DOESN’T have to attend to the early morning squeal factory. A few days ago she threw an empty formula bottle under my foot as I ran and I sprained my ankle so she’s had an unfair advantage every morning since due to my limp.
•Honestly I let her win because she’s gotta go earn that money so I took the spawn back to our bed to settle her down for more sleep. Which resulted, predictably, in my morning head-butting / ball kicking.
•I had a plan for today. We had spent the last several days doing supply runs to the supermarket and shit to get us set up in the new place so today, I wanted to take her to a play centre to run around like a meth fuelled maniac so she could ricochet off shit like a pinball and drool everywhere and I don’t have to clean up afterwards. Maybe put my feet up and have a coffee while laughing at other children as they stand out of the way and stare in stunned wonder. Their tiny brains questioning how a one year old could destroy so much foam wrapped industrial grade kid proof play equipment.
Ok now before I progress to the meat of the day, I want you to keep in mind that I’m in a foreign city. I know where nothing is, we have no Wi-Fi in our house and no maps because we’re not troglodytes. We are, at this point, entirely reliant on our mobile phones for finding everything everywhere.
•Before I put her down for her nap, I drop my phone in the toilet. I had just taken a piss. I was yet to flush.
•Pretty pissy situation right? Well it gets worse. Because now I need to find my way to a store to buy a new phone without a map. Better check my phones map app…FUCK
•After I check the time on the air con remote to see how long the spawn has been sleeping for, I start frantically packing things so as soon as she wakes we can drive out into gale force sub zero winds to wander the roads aimlessly like Mad Max except I’ve got a Lancer instead of a cool XB-GT interceptor and a gibbering dribble factory instead of a kelpie with a sweet bandana.
•I shower and get ready to go, miraculously she’s sleeps through this, waking exactly when I want her too. (More nun songs)
•I want out of the house ASAP. I don’t know where we’re going, we may be a while and I need her back here to nap or it’s no sleep for me tonight! (HAHA, like there is some normally these days!) She senses that I am in a rush and responds in the only way she knows how. By being a giggly little turd. Have you ever had your kid pull their pants off while you’re putting their shirt on? Or is mine just special?
•Done, dusted, I pick her up bodily and prepare to throw her out the door, through the open car window and into the child seat. Nothing but net. A foul odour permeates the room, triumphantly she proclaims ‘Poo’s!’
•We eventually make it out the door and drift out the driveway and down the street to the only shopping centre that I can get to without calling the wif and crying to help. I wasn’t being an independent grown up, I just couldn’t do it because no phone.
•I rush in, grabbing people by the collars and shouting at them like an addict needing a fix ‘Wi-Fi?! Does anyone have any Wi-Fi?! I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR SOME WI-FI MAN!’
•Apparently, while having NBN available in about 90% of all homes in the state, Tassie still doesn’t have Wi-Fi hotspots in large shopping centres. Also being that I haven’t hit the gym in about two months I’m easily overpowered by shopping centre security.
•I walk back to the car handing my child slices of mandarin and whispering that everything will be all right to her. I know she knows I’m lying. I think of going to my sister in laws house and using their Wi-Fi but I don’t know the password. No biggie, I’ll call her on my ph…FUCK!
•Did you know that KFC have free Wi-Fi? They also don’t attend their counter for 10 mins, opting to fart-arse around out the back laughing it up like idiots while I stand there trying to do the right thing by making a purchase before stealing their precious data. I got tired of waiting so I logged on, screen shot a map or two, downloaded a copy of my insurance claim for my phone and fucked off. Thanks for the free kilobytes Colonel!
•Steadfast and assured in my destination and purpose, I booted it at 50k/hr down a back road because I was too scared to take the freeway. There were too many turns and the backroad took me right to the shop. 20mins into what should have been a 10 min drive I started to feel a tiny bit childish about my decision.
•We pulled into the parking lot Ace Ventura style and exploded out of the vehicle and through the front doors, making a beeline for the mobile phones. The spawn distracting people in our way by being adorable while I round housed them to the side like a poor mans Chuck Norris.
•I get to the phones and am attended to immediately.
‘What have you lost mate?’
‘Need a new phone brother, this one took a swim.’
‘Oh wow, is that tattoo fresh? Man that would have taken some work.’
‘Uh, yeah, it’s a week old, took about five hours.’
‘Shit, well they did a good job.’
‘Yeah thanks mate.’
‘Scuse me I think that lady needs my help.’
•I grab another guy. I explain the whole story of no internet cause no Wi-Fi cause new to state and now dead phone. He asks what I want.
‘Android, 4g, Wi-Fi tethering, micro sim, under $400, GO!… please and thank you.’
‘Well there’s really only thi-‘
‘Sold, ring her up, I got an insurance claim.’
‘Do you have the form?’
‘Got it on my tablet with no internet.’
‘Can you email it through to me?’
‘…with no internet?’
‘Oh. Well I need the form.’
‘No problem, I used to work for this place, just lemme hitch onto your Wi-Fi and I’ll send it through.’
‘Yeah, we cant do that, besides they don’t even give us the password.’
‘Tell you what, I’ll hotspot my phone and you can link to that ok?’
I then select the stores Wi-Fi and put in the password from my old store.
•Interesting fact, all franchises of that copany have the same password to their Wi-Fi.
•I started updating every single app on my tablet while I send the email. Every. Single. App.
•Old mate then drops me at the counter and I have the following delightful interaction with the cashier.
‘Isn’t she gorgeous, look at those beautiful eyes.’
‘Yeah she got her dads eyes.’
‘Dad’s on babysitting duties today is he?’
‘No, she’s mine, no babysitting.’
‘But dad’s looking after you today?’
‘Dad always looks after her.’
‘Must be nice being out with dad for a change, Is he doing a good job filling in?’
‘Can you take me money from me please?’
•I then pay for the phone, fire it up and immediately log onto their Wi-Fi again and start downloading like a man possessed. System updates, apps, app updates, porn, crosswords, fuck it I didn’t care. Free Wi-Fi! FREE WI-FI!
•Eventually we had to leave. We were getting odd looks after I had spent an eternity wandering up and down the aisles feigning interest in every single known in the shop while periodically checking my phone like a desperate man waiting for those tinder matches to roll in after updating his profile with a sweet new gym locker room mirror selfie.
•With the new phone I called the wif and explained everything and told her that we had survived against all odds. We had made it, my child and I. Steeled against this cruel harsh digitally void wasteland. We been challenged and arisen triumphant!
•She said that my story was ‘Nice’ and asked if I had given our daughter enough to drink for the day.
•We drove home, easily navigating the maze-like conundrum of freeway to backroad with my fancy new google maps app.
•Once inside the house, I let the little one out of her transportation cage so she could terrorize the cats while I sat down and checked a few things out.
•I checked the location of the play centre for tomorrow. Turns out it was just around the corner from the store we were at. FUCK!