Bangers and mush.

​I’m certain that I’ve made mention of my lack of love for modern popular music before.

Something about ‘Booty like a Cadillac’ being a rather unappealing association if you assume that they’re referring to the old school petrol guzzling models that were enormous as fuck and had incredibly high emissions. Not to mention they couldn’t turn for shit and would morph a small child into mince meat if you hit them even at rolling speed.
All in all not a ‘booty’ I’d want within a thousand kilometres of my dwelling. They sure did look nice though.

Anyway, modern popular music is pretty much words that have been picked out of a hat, sat next to each other and spoken along to a beat that’s been scientifically engineered to act like aural crack so it’ll never leave your head. (Unless you have a toddler. Then nothing makes it past the impenetrable wall of Wiggles encasing your brain meats.)

Well the other day I was driving the Wif’s car while helping the sister in law and her partner move house. The Wif has some fancy fandangled shit in her car that means when I use the spare key, all the radio settings go to buggery and I’m left with the pre-set stations from the state we used to live in. (I pre-set the new stations under her key and promptly forgot that this happens with her fancy motor vehicle. I’m lucky if my clunker STARTS with any key.)

So I’m belting down the highway listening to some rubbish commercial station which was playing, as their namesake suggests, a radio commercial. And as you’re all aware, radio commercials are one of the 12 worst things in the history of the world somewhere between clowns and Hitler.
I change pre-set channel not realising it’s set to Perth radio and got static. After shouting ‘Bum’ and ‘Frig’ a couple of times (I’ve toned down the swearing because of the spawn these days) I went about scanning the airwaves for something decent to listen too.
I hit one commercial station after the other and every single one was playing a commercial. Probably number 2 in a 10 ad combo of ear fuckery. I know this isn’t just me, you can all attest to the fact that when there’s an ad on the radio, you can’t switch to any other channel to escape it because they all play ad’s at the same time except JJJ, and they’re probably busy playing some weird, plinky plinky hipster garbage that makes you rather listen to ads. 

Oh, there’s also the fact that each commercial station in any state will play the same eight songs over and over until you hate them.
And the songs.
Except the ‘Rock’ stations which just play Jimmy Barnes and ‘Sweet child’ on loop.

But lo! In my searching and swearing I managed to land on a station that way playing a song! Admittedly it was some new pop garbage with the ear worm beat and the minced up words but hey, it wasn’t some super forced cringe worthy conversation about getting a burger at that new place next to where the mountain of petrified seagull shit was on the dock.

I endured. And then a second song came on! Glory be, two songs in a row? Again, popular sounding shit but whatever, it was noise that didn’t leave me alone with my thoughts.
It wasn’t until the very end of song two that I started getting a little suspicious. I know that all new music sounds the same to the point that someone has re-mixed that ‘I’m horny’ song AGAIN, but this sounded just a slight bit different. And then the announcer came on to tell me what the song was.

Now I can’t be certain because I have the linguistic range of a potato, but I can pick up on the subtleties of enunciation and pronunciation across a few different languages so I’ll take a stab in the dark and say that I’m pretty sure he was speaking in Spanish. I got a little confused when he said ‘Italiae’ but I think he was reading the medal tally from the Olympics.

There you have it folks.

Modern popular music is so very shit, and makes so little sense that I sat through two entire songs in a completely foreign language before I realised I wasn’t listening to some idiot saying mush mouthed shit in English.

Either that or I just have terrible taste in ‘Bangers’. Which apparently aren’t just sausages anymore and are now songs that we are told are good.

It’s likely I just wasn’t paying attention and was thinking of other things instead.

Like how the fuck to breakfast radio hosts keep their jobs.

Probably because any kind of attention is good attention amIrightguys?!?

Jacob

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