Community service.

​I know what I’m doing when it comes to dressing my girl.

Despite all outward assumptions based on my gender and sexual orientation, I do have a rough idea of how to dress a female. (I have a good idea of how to undress them also but I’m yet to convince many to let me test my skills in a practical setting.)

When it comes to my little spawn I know that you don’t mix patterns with stripes, stripes are to always be horizontal as they’re more flattering to her standard toddler pot-belly and everything goes with black.

I know that pink and grey are a winning combination and a safe bet in all shades but it’s generally better to keep the grey to the pants and the pink to the top unless it’s a grey jumper in which case all bets are off. Also, the darker the grey the better. Think more of a charcoal colour. Maybe black.

I know that any shade of green really doesn’t work well with her as a solid colour, and if it’s incorporated into a top it should be a secondary colour. Same goes with light blue and to a lesser extent orange. But not black.

To the aforementioned black; black pants go with all, black tops not so much. And when I say all I mean a pair of black tights with a jumper that looks like a unicorn jizzed all over it still looks adorable as flip. And if you need to put her in a black top, combine it with black pants.

I know that there is such a thing as too much frills, and despite them being made of sugar, spice and everything nice little girls shouldn’t be packed like a lolly wrapper. Frills on the top OR the bottom, not both. (black frills are an exception to this rule)

I know that shoes can be tricky and should always be considered when putting together an outfit, but I also know that theirs an understandably limited selection in the average toddlers wardrobe in regards to footwear so they’re one of those things that people generally let slide to a degree. But it’s handy to always have a black pair in her size of the month.

I could go on.

But, I also know the most important thing about dressing my little girl in this day and age is to pick when to dress her well.

And the time to dress her well, is when her mother is around.

Not so that she can enjoy seeing her little girl all pretty and shit, it’s more of a community service thing.

See, if I go out with the Wif and the spawn of a day, and I’ve dressed her well, then the average compliment from strangers directed at the spawn is ‘Don’t you look pretty today?’ followed by a smiling, knowing look up at the Wif.

But if I’m alone with her and she’s dressed well, that smiling, knowing look is nowhere to be found. Sometimes it’s just a blank stare, most of the time it’s the back of the persons head as they greet my daughter, compliment her, then rapidly spin around so fast they partially melt the soles of their shoes to avoid having to talk to me. Which is fine because I prefer it that way.

But I have, on the odd occasion, had  a clucking gaggle of my daughters admirers state that ‘Mum must have dressed YOU this morning.’

And I didn’t correct them. I didn’t want to ruin their fun. Hell, I even said ‘No shit, mum even dressed dad today as well didn’t she?’ and we all laughed and laughed and laughed till two of us farted a little and we had to break it up out of embarrassment.

After that day I realised something that’s been staring me in the face since fatherhood began.

Dad don’t get no appreciation for dressing his girl right.

Up to the point that there seems to be an entire ‘In’ joke amongst the female populace in regards to this fact.

Gents, we’re the butt of a joke.

And I don’t give a shit.

In fact, I give so little of a shit that I now play along. 

If I go out by myself with my daughter, nine out of ten times I’ll dress her up like a complete twat. Panda beanie and everything. And I tell you, she doesn’t give three fifths of half a fuck about it. 

The only people that care about my daughter being dressed up by ‘Silly foolish goof off dad who doesn’t know how to get by with his own kid without the guidance of his wife’ are those that have a prod at me when she’s dressed that way. To my face OR behind my back.

And that’s cool. If I didn’t want them saying that I’d dress her up properly and just let them that her mother dressed her for the day.

I’m out here, with my little girl, doing a community service for all the sad folk so they can have something to help them get through what I can only assume is a dreadful day/existence.

Because I’m a nice fucking guy.

And polite as fuck.


(As a disclaimer, I understand that there are people out there who are in on my in joke about the in joke. They understand that I do this intentionally and choose to react in the stereotypical way out of a love of irony or just because it’s honestly pretty damn funny. This is not a stab at you lot, I like you lot. You lot are all right.)

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