Shut up while I motivate you.

I don’t get the motivational speaker.

And I don’t plan on this going diagonally downhill at a fair clip like when I said I don’t get art or I don’t get poetry and then I start giving it a try then shit spirals out of control and suddenly I have a beret in my closet that I wear when nobody’s looking while I hurl paint at canvas reciting Poe and crying into a genital sculpture because it’s simply not edgy enough; this time I will not even lightly dabble in that which I do not understand in order to know my enemy.

I will simply and stubbornly state, that I do not get the motivational speaker.

I know that they motivate. When we were strapped to steel chairs with our eyeballs fish hooked open for training nights at work (it’s the only way to make sales people sit still and listen because they already know everything) a lot of the trainers would play something from Mr Giant-hands Tony Robbins or some other shouty gesticulating dramatic pause having mother fucker that honestly got you pumped as fuck to get out there and do shit.

What I don’t get is how that shit actually works on people long term.

You get these dudes that apparently give you ‘Proven sales strategies’ and they just hop up there, shout a butt ton of buzzwords from ‘The Big Book of Motivational Nomenclature.’ And suddenly people are excited to start a whole new life of being a motivated go-getter.

Except me. Because I’m always the bitter twisted cynic that has been to so many of these things that I know it’s like a triple espresso. Yes, immediately after you’ll get heaps of stuff done hard and fast, then the shits set in, then you get tired, then you spend forever cleaning up after the mess you made when you were running around like an utter spastic.

I mean good on those that keep that motivation up and go hard all the way to success. But if these speakers are selling out tours and Tony Robbins-ing people into the stratosphere of millionaire-hood don’t you think the rest of us would be busy being personal servants to these go getting gods among men?

So clearly it isn’t me. Clearly this shit does not work in the long term.

Now I’m a ‘Gimme the reigns and let me try it once and I got it.’ Kinda guy. Scientifically known as a Kinesthetic learner. Dumbed down version, Tactile learner. Motivational ‘guru’ version is likely ‘LBD specialist’ or some highfalutin bull honkey. So I’d imagine that’s why word vomit that buzzes harder than a kicked beehive doesn’t work on me too well.

So what I’m going to do for you today is renege on what I said earlier (because I’m a liar) but kind of not really do that too.
I’m going to give you a lego kit of motivational cattle faecal shmear and let you construct your own money making, sales target hitting, moment of clarity, I’m gunna be an Isa-Millionaire style conclusion. Or you can shape the shit into something different and use it on other people.

Here’s some raw material, mould it and use it how you like.

Yesterday, driving home from Clarence Point (a lovely part of Tasmania) I heard on the radio what I THINK was a televangelist. But he was on the radio so I guess he was a radivangelist. Which sounds like a glowing evangelist because of all the nuclear material running through their veins. (I’ve been playing too much Fallout lately.)
And shouty McGod pants was saying the same sentence, just rearranging the word structure about five different times to make it sound like he was bringing up a new point every time. I think he just wanted each word in the sentence to get a full hip thrusting hump of inflection so none of them felt left out.
After round 5 I shouted at the radio and punched it off. (I’m making baby steps with my rage issues. Also my radio doesn’t work at the moment.) So I didn’t actually get to hear what conclusion he drew from his own tripe but in a way I feel that was a better result because now I can draw my own conclusion rather than ‘God love’s us all equally if you gimme tree fiddy.

The general gist of what he was shouting is as follows.

There was a man in a theatre watching a show. And then another man came in and he had to be guided in by an usher because it was too dark to see.

The first man could see perfectly well the path laid out before the second man because he had been in the dark room for an extended period. His eyes and receptors in his brain had become accustomed to the dark and he could see with full clarity. But the second man had only just walked in so his eyes hadn’t adjusted.

Both men were seeing the exact same thing. But their perception of that thing was completely different.

The thing itself never changed, the only difference was their individual views.

Now I’m sure that all boiled down to ‘Go to church enough and you’ll start bleating like the rest of us’ but I reckon there’s the raw material there for a pretty friggin good motivational speech. 

I’m just not going to write it for you cause it’s not my fucking job.

It’s YOUR job to motivate yourself. So work on that and do it already.

And if making your own motivational speech to get you doing shit with a half finished pile of word mush is too difficult for you, just remember this old adage.

There are two types of people in this world.

Those that can extrapolate a conclusion from incomplete data…


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