This morning I awoke to the sound of what I assumed to be a nearby Hyundai with a slipped timing belt.
You know that high and squeaky ‘HNNNNNNNNNNUHHUHHUHHUHHHNNNNNNNN’ that every single Getz and most Accents have made at least once or a billion times in their existence?
Which confused me a little because I had no idea how a small car had managed to make its way into the tiny little two bedroom apartment we’re currently dwelling in.
After a little investigating, I managed to discover that the noise was not actually coming from a slipped belt on a budget motor vehicle, but rather from the face of my daughter who apparently is getting around 237 new teeth all at the same time. (My daughter might be part shark. We did live in Perth for a while.)
The obvious solution to this is to throw food into her mouth and hope that it distracts her into chewing quietly or at least plugs the hole but it only offered a band-aid fix to what was rapidly becoming an incredible problem for my ears, sanity and chill level. Also it felt like it was making my brain boil and eyes buzz a bit.
Hell she didn’t even go down for her full nap this morning. And for the first half hour she just droned on over the monitor like a vegan next to a butchers.
I figured I could take her outside and hurl her into the bushes or at some swings or some shit but then the weather went south in a typically Tasmanian fashion so we were pretty much trapped for the day.
So I had shitty weather, a child doing an imitation of a turbine with a pigeon stuck in it and an overwhelming need to have said noise fucking stop.
What time is it?
Fuck yeah! It’s arts and crafts time!
Today we did some painting.
If you too have a grizzle toddler and would like to shut them up for a bit but are drastically under prepared like I was, then let me show you how to get your paint on with random shit from around the house.
1. Some water based non-toxic paint.
2. That set of kids table and chairs that you don’t know how you acquired.
3. A pillow case.
4. A hair band.
5. Some packing/butchers/newspaper and tape.
6. The patience of an early 2000s teenager trying to talk down their ‘suicidal’ attention seeking friend for the fifth time this week.
7. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Because you’ve probably been up since 4 and she hasn’t given you much reprieve has she mate.
Ok I admit you probably don’t have this one just lying around so my bad. Resist the urge to substitute with house paint. You can probably get away with mixing some flour, water and food colouring together but I don’t think you’ll like the results come clean up time. In fact, forget I said that.
Oh, and do NOT buy these fucking paints. They LOOK like they have colour, but it’s just a clear spooge filled with glitter. I imagine this is what unicorn jizz looks like. It is non toxic however because the spawn shoved a glitter coated fist into her gob and hasn’t died yet.
It’s gunna be a fun one to explain to her mum why she’s shitting sparkles though.
Yep that’s the one.
Nobody in the history of forever has actually paid for one of these sets. They just tend to arrive in your life just when your child is old enough to use them. Much like the rug that has the print of the city and streets on it so kids can drive their matchbox cars all over it and fill the wheels with lint.
I have a theory that they come from the placenta and attach themselves to you when you leave the hospital, then they find a cool dark cupboard to gestate in till they’ve grown to full size and just wander out into the lounge room or your kids room for you to find them.
It goes without saying that if you don’t already have this set then that means your child isn’t old enough to own one yet so maybe do something else like practicing barrel rolls together or puking.
It’s raining outside, and windy, and you’re tired. You’re not going to go traipsing the aisles of whatever store sells fucking smocks trying to find the cheapest one that will likely get used once and you sure as shit aren’t going to spend the next week trying to get paint stains out of kids clothes.
Just find the oldest, rattiest pillow case you can, cut a head hole and arm holes in and be done with it.
Pull the corners of the pillow case back and hold it in place with the band.
I don’t have anything funny for this, it’s just common sense.
Use packing or butchers or newspaper because it’s cheap and big and you can coat the entire top of a table with it without having to gasp and shout NONONONONO! Every time your kid wants to paint outside the A4 sheet you slap down in front of them.
It doesn’t matter if it’s brown either, you don’t need the colours to stand out or pop, your kids not Bob Ross, you know you’re gunna just rip it all off and bin it when they’re not looking so just use the brown paper.
6: Patience. I don’t have a picture of me being patient. Write a complaint letter.
Every time you put a paint down they’ll want another spooge of it. Every time you drop your guard for a second they’ll want a taste of the paint. Every time you reach for your coffee they’ll try and paint the floor. Every time you try to make them paint on the table again they’ll decide their heads itchy after finger painting.
It will not be fun for you, it will not be easy for you, it will not be a ‘Sit back and let them enjoy themselves’ moment. It will be like trying to wrangle a bald, oiled up monkey into a cat carrier.
But this is not about you.
This is about them.
And they are having the time of their lives.
So suck it up, be on your guard, and just enjoy the sounds of them not whining for once in the day.
This last one is in direct correlation to the patience. The less patience you feel you have, the more coffee you’ll need and vice versa.
Mine cup may not be anywhere near full, but that’s a full size 1ft regulation wooden spoon in front of it.
Swear to god.
As you can see the end result gives legitimacy to what I said about those shitty glitter paints.
I honestly thought they’d have some colour in them but it just looks like a drop sheet from the set of a unicorn bukkake.
Don’t rightly know how the tube got up in there too but I think it came about after I ran out of paper sheet and started panicking and scraping dollops of paint off the floor with the edges of the tube.
She then proceeded to steamroll her painting using it.
All in all it was a very fun activity and kept her entertained till pass out time in the afternoon.
Also kept her quiet as well so, mission accomplished.
I don’t know how this could have actually been helpful to anyone but I hope that it at least gave you an idea of what to do with your kid on a shitty rainy day.