The closest thing to a ‘daddy-blog’ I can manage right this second.

I’ve been busy not writing recently because I’ve been doing that thing where I just get lost in the act of making stuff with my hands and passing it off as ‘Art’.

I’ve mentioned before in a previous blog (either that or wrote one that I deleted before posting) that art can be whatever you want as long as you put your heart and soul into it. Really though all I tend to put into my work is a whole bunch of swearing and fuck loads of araldite but who can really judge what art actually is am I right?
He says, despite all that shit he wrote a moment ago.

I’ve been so into it lately that I even went and bifurcated my main modality of social media into a ‘Writing’ page and a separate ‘Art’ page.
The Writing page basically chronicles me avoiding writing for some obscene reason, drinking coffee with my daughter and getting tanked in the day time.
Whereas the Art page just has, well, rings and shit really.

And in both those worlds, I am a total and unforgiving hashtag whore.
I’m honestly super bad for it. To the point that I have grow your own business ‘gurus’ and heath supplement pyramid scheme ‘cunts’ following me because I tagged something they like once by accident.

But I’ll tell you right now who I feel most sorry for out of the victims of my rampant slutty hashtagging.
It’s the mommy daddy bloggers. Because I often use some family related ‘blog’ tag in most of my posts. Mostly because this is a blog and I write here occasionally and secondly because I self-identify as a dad.
This is due to the fact that I am in command of a small child majority of my days.

It’s not like self-identifying as a mink-human anthro hybrid or some fairy floss bullshit, it’s more grounded in reality you know?
The poor fuckers probably come here thinking they’re going to get some solid parenting advice or a cool sales related blogpost about a new brand of yoghurt that’ll help tone up mummy-tummy and instead they get nonsensical alcohol fuelled bullshit and a quantity of expletives that’d give their swear jar a raging cash boner.

The safest thing to do in this situation is understand that if someone is advertising themselves on social media as being ‘Polite As Fuck’, they’ll likely not be giving you home making tips.

But I will throw out two things really quickly.

Tip 1: If you use liquid detergent in your wash you’re likely sick of having to rinse out the measuring cup before placing it back onto the hundred giga-litre bulk bottle you got from Big W.
What you do is, run some cold water into the cup and slosh it around before filling it with detergent.
The detergent sits on the coating of water inside the measuring cup and when you pour it out there’s barely any sticking to the cup so you don’t have to spend 5 minutes staring at running water bouncing off the inside of a detergent measurer wondering where you’re life suddenly went so wrong that you’re neuroses won’t let you tolerate a slightly dirty measuring device going back onto a storage container.

And tip 2: I folded a fitted sheet earlier. Perfectly.
I’m not telling you how, I’m just telling you it happened.

The tip there is, I’m a pretty fucking good house husband.

Deal with it.

– (A not totally sober) Jacob

Leave a comment

%d bloggers like this: