“Christ he’s talking about gym shit” I know, I hear you, every second bastard is a closet gym-goer these days but I’ll try and make this like my first time for you.
Shameful, loud, laughable but most of all, quick.
I’ve been picking things up and putting them back down again in a gym environment for well over a decade.
I’ve trained with National, Australian and world champion level bodybuilders and powerlifters and there are a couple of select secrets that they all have in common that I’m going to share with you right now that I can guarantee will change your training for the better.
1: Not a single one of them were on their fucking phones when training.
There is a thing called ‘mind muscle connection’, yes there’s likely a fancy term for it that your favourite overly filtered board-shorts-warrior/mens bikini division cereal box PHD Instagram model calls it but those from the age of the dinosaurs call it mind-muscle.
In short, when training, one focuses on and visualises the muscle contracting, growing and tearing through the skin when lifting. It’s not just their CNS telling the muscle fibres to contract, the individual is also actively along for the ride mentally and sometimes verbally telling that muscle to bunch the fuck up.
It’s not an overnight discipline to learn and it takes a lot of focus and I’ll be a polar bears fluffer on the set of ‘Inter-species arctic seal hump 6’ if you can get that level of fucking focus when you’re glancing at your phone halfway through a set to see if your tinder hook-up replied, or taking ab selfies when you should be mentally collecting yourself and gasping in life giving oxygen because you’ve been training too hard to faf about between sets.
Your phone at the gym is very much like your genitalia at the gym. Except detachable. Don’t keep it in your pants, keep it in your fucking bag.
2: Their ego is left at the door.
This once meant that you don’t go around lifting weights heavier than you can handle just to show off.
Ahhh, those were the days.
NOW, it means tuck your fucking head in you little shit you’re not as amazing as your follower count says you are!
None of the other people in the gym give a low flying fart who you are so stop pretending like your king shit, stop stink eyeing everyone, take your fucking hood off and grow the fuck up.
When stepping into a gym, the best thing to do is take a leaf from any H.P Lovecraft story and realise with horrific clarity that you are, in the broadest sense of the word, less than nothing in the grand scheme of this infinitely expansive universe to the point that you are merely food for the unknown horrors lurking behind the veil and the only thing waiting for you after this joke of a life concludes is anonymity precluding consumption in their buffet of souls.
Know it, own it and go lift shit that you can actually handle champ.
Which leads to the most important hint of all.
3: PUT YOUR FUCKING WEIGHTS AWAY!
You know all those national, Australian and world title holders I said I trained with?
Every single one of them have likely lifted heavier weights than you, or trained with greater intensity than you, or puked more times in a single training session than that one kid in your sex-ed class when you had to watch the live birth video. (pro-tip, start tempering that gut if you’re gunna have kids because if you can’t watch it in person, your kids will be able to sense it and they’ll walk all over you for the rest of your life like the little bitch you is.)
And if they haven’t bested you in the above ways, then this post isn’t for you because you’re certainly the type of person that follows all four tips I’m throwing out.
I know this for a fact because you can and will not achieve anything in your given physical sport if you don’t put your weights away.
Not putting weights away lowers testosterone and growth hormone, it hinders muscle growth, it excludes you from joining serious gyms and has been known in some cases to cause broken bones and severe internal haemorrhaging if you set foot into a ‘Dungeon’ style gym and try that pretty boy shit because strong-men don’t fuck around and they will have NONE of your crap kid.
Quick tip to any and all 24/7 gym owners, the passive aggressive ‘If you’re strong enough to lift it you’re strong enough to put it back’ signs do NOT work. You need to start getting proper aggressive.
Confront these uncouth little children face to face, I guarantee you’ll hear their gonads/ovaries shrivel or even retract at the immediate instance of confrontation because they KNOW they’re doing the gym equivalent of sneaking through dads underwear draw to find his hidden stash of dirty movies.
Or even better, maybe put all those fucking cameras to good use and ban bitches or at least slash tyres rather than using them to try and cancel my sister in laws membership because I snuck in with it once or thirty times.
4th and final: Not a single one ever even so much as looked in the general direction of an ab-roller.
They’re less than useless and they’re a set of stirrups and a swap away from looking like you’re having a pap smear.
Just do crunches for Gods sake.
There are many more hints and tips I can share in an enraged fashion with this infuriating new generation of ‘Give results to me now so I can share it on social media for instant gratification and pretend I’m an expert #science.’ Oxygen thieves but those are the few that come to mind after walking into the gym last week and seeing almost every bar still loaded with plates, the entire functional section looking like more of a train-wreck than a 30 year old pornstars body and not one but two people standing and texting right in front of a fucking dumbbell rack.
But I need the big take away here to be number 3.
You need to realise that not putting your weights away is a serious offence. Your friends may think that bench was impressive, your girlfriend might be slightly dewy from that asinine disc herniating deadlift, but I know for a fact that what you just classified as an achievement pales in comparison to the iron horrors I’ve witnessed.
And of all the terrifying life changing lifts I’ve seen, the people performing them STILL, dug deep enough to claw the plates off the bar and drag them back to their lair for slumber till they were called upon again to guide another lowly lifter on the path to greatness.
Seriously, I’ve watched a guy black out after a set once, get up, go vomit, sit back down and breath heavily for five minutes, then unload his bar with shaking hands and legs.
If you’re fresh as a daisy when you walk out that door and the bar you were undeservingly using is still loaded,
And everything wrong with modern gym culture.